Dear Deanna!
I’ve fallen victim to society’s double standard that pertains to dating. I’m single and have no intentions of being in a relationship because it’s not on my agenda. I feel I should be able to see as many people I want without being judged. Why can men go around the world and sample everything but when women do it, we’re called out of our name and everything else?
Karla
Orlando, FL

Dear Karla:
A man leaves his dirt in the street but a woman takes hers home. You need to be honest and see your lifestyle for what it is. You’re footloose, fancy free and aren’t responsible. Women are expected to behave with morals and values when it comes to dating and life in general. If you choose otherwise, as only a foolish woman will, then you deserve all the hard knocks that come your way.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend has been a stay-at-home dad for too long. When he lost his job I was a team player committed to keeping things together. He helps with the kids, but I still cook and clean. It’s been over a year and I’m tired. We argue a lot and there’s no intimacy. I’m ready to end the relationship because I see him as a lazy, trifling man and I’m not supporting him anymore. What do I do?
Anonymous
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Anonymous:
It’s too late to call him lazy and trifling because you’ve already had children with him and you weren’t married. You should’ve had warning signs before now and there’s no use complaining. He’s not helping you financially, emotionally or spiritually so it won’t matter if you’re together or not. In order to save the relationship, simply demand that your freeloader get a job and pull his load or get out.

Dear Deanna!
My best friend wants me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I want to decline because her future husband is cheating. He’s been seeing someone else the whole time he’s dated my friend. I don’t want to tell her because it would break her heart but I don’t want her to marry him either. Do I need to go through with the wedding to make her happy or risk the friendship by telling her?
Shannon
Omaha, NE

Dear Shannon:
You’re a lousy friend because you should be able to tell your best friend anything. You would be as guilty as the future husband if you know he’s cheating but won’t tell it. They’re going before God with adultery on the plate and you can prevent this by being mature and doing the right thing. Pray for strength and words of wisdom as you get the facts. Tell your friend about the situation and you’ll be able to sleep better at night.

Dear Deanna!
I want to respond to the advice you gave Shannon in Omaha, NE. You advised her to tell her friend about her cheating fiancé. I feel you should’ve told her to mind her business. If the groom is cheating then they need to handle that when they cross that bridge after getting married. As a matter of fact, you should’ve kept your comments to yourself and not answered that letter.
Missy
Milwaukee, WI

Dear Missy:
You’re stuck on stupid and not worth two cents in Chinese money. Women like you are the ones that cause infidelity, increased divorce rates, and a mistress getting her butt kicked by a wife. If there’s a strong friendship and a woman knows that her friend’s husband, boyfriend or fiancé is cheating then she needs to tell it. Obviously, you’re the lowdown other woman that can’t get her own man and therefore, support and accept sloppy seconds.

Dear Deanna!
After being married for 10 years I love my wife but I think I’m in love with someone else. I’m ready to file for divorce because I want to be with the other woman. My wife and I don’t have any children and I would be willing to split our assets in order to be happy. How do I make sure the love is gone with my wife?
David
Memphis, TN

Dear David:
Check on your love through prayer to seek forgiveness for your adultery and violation of wedding vows. You’re confused and sound selfish because things may not be going your way in the marriage. The other woman has no place in this decision and you need to make her disappear. Seek professional marriage counseling so your wife’s story can be heard and a decision can be made together about your future.

Dear Deanna!
I graduated from high school last year and went straight to college. My boyfriend goes to a college in another state and is putting pressure on me to drop out. He claims he wants me with him everyday. I like him a lot, but it’s not that serious. I’m not interested in being his maid or struggling financially because he doesn’t have a job.
Anonymous
Las Vegas, NV

Dear Anonymous:
It’s a bad sign when an unemployed man wants a woman to stop her education to come and play house. You’re young and it’s not like this is the man that’ll be your future husband. Your answer should be no and you should be offended at his request. Do yourself a favor by hitting the books harder and taking a break from the boyfriend. In time, he’ll continue to reveal his character and you’ll be better off in the long run.

Dear Deanna!
I used to hang out, party and have a good time by any means necessary. Later on I had a terrible car accident and I decided to change my life. I got saved and started doing church work. The problem is my friends. I still go to clubs but I don’t drink alcohol and we still have a good time as if things haven’t changed. My church community is giving me a hard time because it looks like I’m a hypocrite. Am I wrong?
Confused Christian
Charlotte, NC

Dear Confused:
Yes, you're wrong. Look at your situation like a pregnancy. You're either pregnant or you're not, there’s no in-between. In your case, instead of clubbing with your friends you should be sharing the word of God with them and help them turn their life around. Your resistance may be strong now, but like it says in 1 Corinthians Chapter 15 Verse 33, do not be fooled, bad company ruins good character.

Dear Deanna!
I’m single and often use the excuse about good men not being available. Each time I get into a relationship, I find so many little things that annoy me. I want to be in a relationship but don’t know how to stop being so judgmental. How do you suggest I handle this problem?
Meia
Oklahoma City, OK

Dear Meia:
You need to learn to love yourself. Obviously you have some self-esteem issues that make you feel as if you’re not worthy. This causes you to go into denial with your shortcomings and find fault with others. You handle this problem by identifying and resolving your personal issues before you get another person tangled in your mess. Invest in yourself by seeking therapy with a professional counselor and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!
My wife has turned into another person. Before we got married, she was submissive; she served me and did all things that were pleasing. A few months after the wedding, she quit her job, the house stays dirty and each time I ask for something, we have an argument. Is it just me or do all men have this problem with their new wives?
Ken
Denver, CO

Dear Ken:
There are a few women who believe in hiding their flaws until after the wedding. As newlyweds, you have a communication problem that can be fixed with simple dialogue. Have a discussion and point out the problem areas and seek a solution together. If she’s sincerely the woman you fell in love with and married you’ll be fine. If she turns out to be the Bride of Frankenstein, then you have a new story to deal with.

Dear Deanna!
I need some help really fast. My teenage daughter is a junior in high school and thinks she can disrespect me. I’m a small woman and she’s bigger than I am. Recently, she put her finger in my face and she’s started shoving me. I’ve never hit my daughter but feel that now I need to. Is there a way to talk to her and bring her back down to earth without getting physical?
DeLeisa
Indianapolis, IN

Dear DeLeisa:
When a child gets physical with a parent, you have the option to choose a body slam, a drop kick in the chest or a karate chop in the throat. Regardless of your daughter’s age, you need to make it clear that you’re the parent and she will not be placing her hands on you. You can talk all you want, but if you don’t send the message with some physical force, you’ll find your face cracked and on the ground.

Dear Deanna!
I made myself get out of an abusive relationship. I was beaten, verbally abused, raped and tormented on a daily basis for almost three years. I had convinced myself that I loved this man and his abuse was his way of showing affection. I’m at a point now where I feel as if I’ve moved on. However, my ex-boyfriend is now trying to come back and he’s convinced me that he’s changed. Should I give him another chance?
Rebecca
Buffalo, NY

Dear Rebecca:
If you go back, be sure you have your funeral arrangements in order or get ready for a life of misery. This man treats you worse than a dog and has no respect, care or love for you. If you made it out of the situation, then you need to use your brains and stay out. No, you shouldn’t give him another chance to assault you, insult your womanhood or risk killing you. The writings on the wall--just make sure you read it.

Dear Deanna!
What do you do when your husband gets fat and out of shape? When we were married, he was in shape; he would go to the gym and kept things together. Now he’s comfortable and has gained a lot of weight. It turns me off so bad that I can’t be intimate. This is causing us to argue a lot and he tells me that I have to take him as he is because he’s not changing. What can I do about this?
Lorraine
Jacksonville, FL

Dear Lorraine:
If you’re responsible for the cooking, then perhaps you can make a transition to a healthier lifestyle. The key to supporting your husband's weight loss is encouragement instead of criticism. Highlight the health benefits and let him know that you’re with him every step of the way. If no, I suggest you eat some snacks, put some junk in your trunk and be fat and happy together.


Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com, or 264 S. LaCienega Blvd. Suite 1283 Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her web site at www.askdeanna.com.