 Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based
subjects. Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles.
Dear Deanna!
My family is giving me problems over money. I inherited several thousand dollars and now everyone has a sob story, cars breaking down and household issues. Most of these people have never visited me at my home, nor thought of me during the holidays. I have had arguments with my parents, my cousins and everyone and I can’t take it no more. I want to put my foot down and say no to everybody that’s begging but I’m afraid of isolating myself. What do I do?
Miserable with Money
Omaha, NE
Dear Miserable:
It’s amazing how friends and family members can smell money but don’t know you when you’re broke. You need to take care of your family first, make a donation to your church, and invest what’s left. If you have a giving spirit after taking care of your priorities, then be loving and give a few of your close family members a savings bond with love and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I am tired of the hustle and flow of relationships. The dating game is so played out and overrated that I have exhausted my hopes of finding a husband. I cook and clean and do all the domestic things and work full-time. It seems that men aren’t attracted to me. What am I possibly doing wrong and why can’t men see that I’m a total package?
Clarice
Chicago, IL
Dear Clarice:
You need to get off of the “me, me, me” trip and start focusing on what you can bring to a relationship and form a loving partnership. Your boast of cooking and cleaning isn’t impressive because there are many services out there that will come and do these things. You need to demonstrate relationship qualities such as trust, integrity, and loyalty and be willing to be part of a team. Men aren’t seeing you as a total package and they’ll continue to look at you like a ribbon on a box if you don’t change your thinking.
Dear Deanna!
I was at the mall with my friends and they got caught stealing. Lucky for me, I had to go to the car to get some change when everything was happening in the store. They were caught on camera and were arrested. When the cops got there, they tried to pull me into it but the cops didn’t agree with them because I was outside. My friends are now trying to get me to lie and they’ve turned against me. Have I made the right decision by staying away from them?
Anonymous
Online Reader
Dear Anonymous:
Birds of a feather stick together and it’s to your advantage that you’re not viewed as a thief or a liar. If these are your friends, then you need to think about doing better. You should not lose any sleep but be thankful your guardian angel was watching out for you and you avoided this drama. If these are true friends they’ll be mature enough to realize they have to pay for their actions, if not, you don’t need them and should keep rolling.
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Dear Deanna!
I know of a young man who, to me, seems to be stuck in a situation. He has a child with his girlfriend of three years off and on and she constantly tricks him into believing the only way he can see his child is if he is with her. He doesn't believe anything anyone tells him about his rights as a father and continues to fall freely into her web of lies. How can I reach him?
Friend Wanting to Help
Online Reader
Dear Friend:
Sometimes men become stuck on stupid with women that have their children. If he’s being tricked, it’s because he allows it. If he falls into her lies, then he allows it. He knew enough to make a baby and he knows his rights as long as the internet, television and newspapers keep running. You won’t be able to reach him because he’s comfortable, enjoying himself and gladly taking everything he’s being served.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband after 8 years of marriage. He’s the only man I’ve ever been intimate with. Now I have a little freedom and I feel as if I’m losing my mind. On one hand, I have a new friend that I haven’t gone all the way with. On the other hand the ex-husband of one of my friends has revealed that he wants to be with me and has always liked me. I’m attracted to him but know this would cause problems. I’ve been celibate for seven months and need to know if I should be with him and keep it a secret or take a cold shower?
Hot and Bothered
Online Reader
Dear Hot and Bothered:
You need to take a cold shower and put your eyes on someone that you can get jiggy with that won’t cause problems. If you do anything in the darkness, it will come to light and rip you apart like a train wreck. You’re entitled to have fun, enjoy yourself and have a healthy sex life but make sure you protect yourself and keep your thinking cap on during the heat of the moment.
Dear Deanna!
I’m at a point where I must decide on going back to a popular college or staying at home and going to a local school. I’m in this dilemma because I went away to school to play basketball, but then I got injured. Now I’m a junior and my parents feel I should return and get my degree. I feel that will take longer and there is no point to be so far from home. I want to go back, but am afraid that I will be miserable since I am not playing.
Confused Young Female
Online Reader
Dear Confused:
The decision in this case rests upon the shoulders of the one who is paying for the college tuition. If your parents are paying the note then you don’t have a choice but to go with the flow. However, if this is a joint financial decision, then you can take the lead and go where you want to go. You’re correct in wanting to go to a local school because it would be easier and you won’t get depressed watching your friends play basketball while you sit on the sidelines.
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Dear Deanna!
I’m dealing with a roommate who has some serious issues. I have been friends with her for years and she always appeared to have her act together. Now that we live under one roof, I’m being exposed to her bad spending habits, housekeeping issues and poor choices in men. All of these things put together are causing stress in our friendship and the household. Is there anything I can do to improve this situation before evicting her?
Stressed Housemate
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear Housemate:
The first thing you should do is see if this arrangement began on paper instead of a verbal promise. If you have a document, you’re safe. You need to be a friend and help get her budget together and provide guidance and a schedule for the household responsibilities. There’s not much you can do about the loser men she selects. After you’ve spent time and effort, if she still doesn’t have a clue, pack your bags, leave her in her misery and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My best friend has expressed interest in my brother. The problem is the fact that he’s happily married. I made the mistake of complaining about my sister-in-law and how much I don’t like her. I feel my friend has misunderstood me and developed her plan to be with my brother. I love my sister-in-law and would never hurt her but my friend is pressuring me to participate in her plan for an affair. I’m willing to end my friendship over this but I’m scared.
Janis H.
Charleston, SC
Dear Janis:
You’re making the right decision by choosing family and also demonstrating good morals. If your friend is that lowdown to have an affair then you need to distance yourself before you become as trifling as she is. She didn’t misunderstand you but instead she sees the good life your brother gives his wife. It’s in your best interest to let her know she needs to get this silly idea out of her head or she’ll lose your friendship and won’t get it back.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in a dilemma with a staff member that I have a friendship with. We both started this job as friends but I decided to take a career approach. I’ve moved up the ladder and now I’m her boss. I’m able to exercise good judgment and delegate duties and responsibilities in a very fair manner. She’s causing problems because she gives others the impression she has favoritism. If this continues, I have to discipline her or terminate her. How do I handle this?
Anonymous
Online Reader
Dear Anonymous:
As long as you play the game fair you won’t have any problems. Your friend and staff member needs to understand you both have a job and she can be fired or disciplined like anyone else. The only thing you need to do is stick to the rules, remove friendship during business hours and handle your business as a leader and boss. Then again, if you’re not mature or business savvy enough to handle this, perhaps you should be fired instead.
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com or at 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com.
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