Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects. Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles.

Dear Deanna!
I’m the only girl out of five boys in my family. I’m not the oldest but because my mom was a single parent, I had to grow up too fast and take care of my siblings. I’ve been on my own for two years and my mother won’t accept the fact that she can’t boss me around anymore. I don’t mind babysitting while she works, but my life is my priority. We argue a lot because I won’t stay from work, skip college classes or give her money. How do I deal with this and hold on to respect?
Tired Daughter
Columbia, SC

Dear Tired Daughter:
You’ve been a babysitter for so long that your mother feels the loss and the financial impact. Your mother spent so much time working and raising the kids she didn’t notice you growing up, developing your own personality and becoming a woman. She still views you as a child. Have a discussion with her as you help her begin to know you as an adult. Remind her that the other kids will be grown soon as you offer to help when you can and when you can’t offer solutions that may help.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend gave me a fake purse for my birthday and I really liked a lot. My mind changed drastically when I found out he gave someone else a purse like it. However, the purse he gave to another girl was real and he spent a lot of money on it. Now I’m beginning to think that he cheats on me because I’ve noticed changes in his behavior, he disappears and acts funny. I guess he’s been doing this for a while, but the purse made me notice.
Suspicious
On-Line Reader

Dear Suspicious:
The moment you learned he gave another female a gift is the moment you should have got with the program. To make matters worse, he gave you the cheapie so that should tell you how he really feels about you. It’s shameful that it took a material possession to reveal what you were too silly to see, but all in all, you came out on top. Look on the bright side and thank him for sparing you from a broken heart, looking like a fool and getting played like a sucker.

Dear Deanna!
My brother is dating a girl that is using him. She’s pretty, and that’s why my brother runs after her like a sick dog. It really bothers me to see this. He acts as if he has to do everything for her, do what she says and can’t think for himself. I’ve seen her out with guys and she talks on the phone to several of my male friends, but she claims it’s innocent. I don’t believe her, especially after seeing her in the club with a guy. How do I expose her and her lies?
Temia
Sacramento, CA

Dear Temia:
If your brother wants to be a mat that’s walked all over, there’s not much you can do to change it. Obviously he’s content being used and sharing his girlfriend. The best you can do is give him advice to be cautious, pay attention to the signs and be clear of his expectations in his relationship. If he chooses to ignore the words of wisdom, sit back and be ready to support him when she takes him to the cleaners, hurts him and bleeds him dry.

Return To Top

Dear Deanna!
My grandmother is embarrassing because she’s old and still trying to act young. It’s annoying to see my grandmother trying to sing rap songs, smoke cigarettes and wearing jeans. My parents don’t mind but I don’t think its right. I feel that she makes herself look foolish and she doesn’t realize that people are laughing at her. I would like a few suggestions on how I can have this discussion with my grandmother without appearing disrespectful.
Amber
Oklahoma City, OK

Dear Amber:
Your grandmother is old enough to live her life without worrying about what you or anyone else thinks. You could learn things such self-confidence and the ability to love life from this woman. If she was smoking marijuana and dressing like a hoochie, you would have a legitimate problem. But since she’s enjoying life, you should relax, take her shopping and be blessed that you have a grandmother that’s on her feet and not deceased or in a nursing home.

Dear Deanna!
My daughter has left for college and made a mess out of her life. I took the time to help with student loans and scholarships and she has flunked out of the first semester. I learned that she never went to class and her school supplies haven’t been touched. To make matters worse, she’s now back at home pregnant and unemployed. I don’t have time for this and I’m tired of dealing with her drama. I know this is my daughter, but what can I do to help without disrupting my life?
Glenda
Birmingham, AL

Dear Glenda: 
Your daughter’s bad life and mistakes are a reflection of your poor parenting skills. If you don’t have time for your daughter now, you probably didn’t have time when she was growing up, and now she doesn’t know if she’s going or coming. You need to make time now, because if you don’t you’ll be stuck with her longer than you think. Help her restore her options in life and encourage her to go back to school, get a job and find the baby’s father so she’ll have help.

Dear Deanna!
I recently gave birth to a baby girl. My boyfriend was hoping for a boy and he seemed disappointed. Things were fine until the baby was three months old. My boyfriend stopped coming around and when he did, he always seemed distant. I later learned that he has a new son that is a month older than my daughter. He cheated on me, got someone pregnant and we had our kids at the same time. I am devastated and don’t know what to do about this relationship.
Devastated New Mom
Queens, NY

Dear Devastated:
Your first mistake is having a baby out of wedlock. Another mistake is a boyfriend that showed disappointment because of the baby’s gender. You can see in advance that if you stay with this man, you’re going to have cheating, drama from another woman, and a stressful relationship. It’s to your advantage to organize the child support payments and seek commitment. If he won’t do the right thing, kick him to the curb, raise your child and keep it moving.

Return To Top

Dear Deanna!
My relationship feels dead. In the beginning things were exciting but now everything is boring. I’m not motivated to do my hair anymore, I don’t feel like dressing up and sex is the last thing on my mind. Now that I look my worst, my boyfriend has become active, goes out all the time and has really come out of his shell. He doesn’t pay me any attention and when he does, he seems to be somewhere else. Are these signs that we need to end this relationship?
Hurting and Confused
Benton Harbor, MI

Dear Hurting:
You’re living the classic case that involves women let themselves go and then lose their man. You need to wake up and realize you look a mess and your boyfriend has chosen to keep living. He hasn’t changed other than the fact he may have another woman because he’s almost sick of you. If you want this relationship, get your act together fast because he’s on his way out. The clock is ticking but you can turn things around with effort, and positive thinking.

Dear Deanna!
My son is dating a woman my age. The problem is the fact he’s a senior in high school and she is divorced with two small children. I understand my son is at the age where he may be experimenting sexually but he’s a baby compared to her and I don’t like it. I’m cordial to his girlfriend but I’m at my wits end. She is starting to brainwash him and I hit the roof when I heard she is bragging on his anatomy. What can I do without doing something that will land me in jail?
Tammy
Dallas, TX

Dear Tammy:
Your son has fallen victim to a played out garden tool that doesn’t have many options left. You could kick her door off the hinges, drag your son out and give her a beat down. But since you have to be civil, you can stop this by pressing charges and filing a restraining order to keep her from your son. In the meanwhile, focus on your son and help him understand what’s going on. You also need to buckle down and help him clearly see his future that includes college and a career and not this woman with her built in baggage.

Dear Deanna!
For the first time in my life, I am happy with a man I feel is my soul mate. He is everything I imagined and I can even live with his flaws and shortcomings. I love him dearly but he is overly critical and is very hard on me. When I make mistakes he treats me like a child. He talks about my hair, my make up and the way I eat. He is a great guy and I know he means well. How do I let him know how this makes me feel without jeopardizing the relationship?
Maria
Charleston, SC

Dear Maria:
You’re a star-struck groupie in this relationship. As soon as he gets tired, he’ll drop you like a hot coal and move on to another woman. If he sincerely cared there wouldn’t be any feelings of disrespect, ridicule or one-sided criticism. You need to take the risk and tell him how you feel and that you won’t tolerate his treatment. If he’s willing to heed your advice, that’s a good thing. If he turns out to be a pig, then you need to realize he doesn’t give a damn.

Return To Top

Dear Deanna!
I’m stuck in a dead end relationship in a dead town. I just graduated from high school and I am dating an older man. I am feeling the urge to get away but I feel guilty. I want to achieve things, see other people and have a better life. He’s trying to brainwash me and make me think I’m dumb, and can’t make it without him. I want to get away but he has me limited because I can’t drive, have no skills and no friends. How do I make things happen for myself?
Anonymous
On-line Reader

Dear Anonymous:
Your old man has watched his life pass by and he’s a loser and will pull you into the same hole. Your life is just beginning and you need to get some job skills, education and treat yourself to the finer things in life. You don’t need a man holding you down or telling you what you can’t do. You can do anything if you believe in yourself. When you get tired of your dead end situation, empty your bank account and take a leap of faith and just get up and leave.

Dear Deanna!
My girlfriend of two years destroyed me. I learned that the entire time we were dating she was seeing someone else. For a year she has been trying to pressure me into marriage but I wasn’t ready. She ended her relationship with me and a few weeks later announced she was getting married. I see the things she wanted and I’m willing to look like a fool to get her back. She tells me that I blew my chances. I feel desperate and want to know is there anything I can do to get her back?
Sean
Memphis, TN

Dear Sean:
Instead of being a pathetic beggar, open your eyes and see that your girlfriend was a cheating two-timer. She played games with two men and chose the one that would marry her. You can look like a fool if you want but if she cheated on you with another man once, she’ll do it again but next time things may be worse. You shouldn’t allow a woman to have this kind of power. Get yourself together, hold your head up and work through your pain and wait for the lady that’s meant for you.

Dear Deanna!
My best friend is in an abusive relationship. I see the bruises and hear the pain and torment in her voice. I want to help her but she always denies the problems. I saw her recently and one of her front teeth was gone. She claimed she had an accident on the stairs but I know otherwise. I’m ready to tell her family but I’m afraid because her father is crazy and may do something harmful. How can I help a friend in this horrible situation?
Worried Friend
Milwaukee, WI

Dear Friend:
You need to tell your friend’s family as soon as you can. Yes, fathers go crazy, and if a man is beating his daughter he needs to be dealt with. If something deadly happens to your friend you will have blood on your hands too because you knew and didn’t try to help. Give your friend some referrals to a few domestic abuse sources so she can recognize that this relationship isn’t healthy. In the meanwhile, join forces with the family and support and help her get out of this relationship before it’s too late.

Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com or at 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com.

Return To Top