Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based
subjects. Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles.
Dear Deanna!
I want to respond to the comments you gave to Overweight Wife in Toledo, OH. I think you were out of place and crazy to say that her husband is changing because she gained weight. He has fallen out of love and has probably changed his mind on a few things. You need to apply more mental applications with some of these things than look at physical. If her mind and outlook is the same, then he will still love her regardless of the weight gain.
Debra
Jacksonville, FL
Dear Debra:
You know good and well a man will lose his mind if he marries his bride as a size five and then she blows up to a size 15. For the record, it will become a mental and sexual issue because men are always more physically stimulated. By the way, perhaps you should experiment and throw on a few extra pounds and see if your man still comes home on time every night or gets intimate with the lights on.
Dear Deanna!
I’m close to an emotional breakdown. My boyfriend is causing me so much stress that I can’t eat, sleep or do anything. I have lost so much weight. He comes in late, criticizes everything I do and he smokes inside the house. I think he’s also cheating. I stay because he takes care of me, but there’s no love. I’m at the point where I feel he views me as his personal maid. The verbal abuse is too much, but I can’t seem to break away. What should I do?
Jasmine
Chicago, IL
Dear Jasmine:
You’re in the middle of a serious time bomb that’s going to explode and you’ll be the one hurt. This is a relationship of convenience and your man gets all the benefits and you get nothing but stress. If you’re seeking a future heart attack, nervous breakdown and severe weight loss, then stay for the ride. If you’re interested in good health, peace and respect then raise your standards, love yourself, find a new love and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My best friend from high school needs to get her life together. I have a job, responsibilities and I’m paying my way through college. She’s a nice person, but doesn’t understand that I no longer want to reflect on high school days or hang at the mall. She works at a movie theater and she doesn’t understand and can’t relate to my conversations about life or business. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so please tell me how to deal with her.
Anonymous
On-Line Reader
Dear Anonymous:
In simple terms, you’ve outgrown your friend and the days of being a high school kid. No, you haven’t been around the block yet, but you’re beginning to figure out a few things that make sense. The most you can do is encourage her to strive for things in life and set some goals. However, don’t spend too much time, because it’s always easier to pull someone down than lift them up, and that should help you as you be a good friend and good role model.
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Dear Deanna!
I feel there’s a difference between honesty and not telling the whole truth in a relationship. My husband has the tendency to leave out important facts. I’ve learned that he’ll tell me what he wants me to know and when I find out other things, he claims he forgot. How do you forget that you have a child, how do you forget that you got fired, and how do you forget you have a wife? In other words, he’s living a double life, and I don’t know what to do.
Carol
Charleston, SC
Dear Carol:
Your marriage is missing trust and communication which are the strongest staples for a solid relationship. There are also some issues with you that may cause your husband to be intimidated so he’s forced to lie about everything. However, there are no excuses for his double life in which he has committed adultery. The both of you need to invest in a therapist to sort out your issues, organize your mess and clear the air of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personalities.
Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend has finally proposed and I don’t know if I want to accept. I had images and thoughts that when it happened, I would feel a certain way and my life would change. My heart feels heavy and now I’m scared and not sure if I want to get married. I realize that I have to answer to him, my life will change and I lose all of my freedom. Is there anything I can do to feel better about this whole thing?
Anonymous
On-Line Reader
Dear Anonymous:
You can feel better by realizing that you’re not ready for marriage. You may want the benefits of finance, sex and entertainment, but you’re not ready for the idea of a committed marriage. Have a talk with your boyfriend so that he doesn’t spend money or make any investments knowing you have cold feet. Marriage is a blessing and a benefit. You may need to re-evaluate this situation and be the bigger person and make the right decision to walk away.
Dear Deanna!
My daughter has a two-year old son and they both live wit me. I have rules as far as anyone eating in certain areas, cleaning up and purchasing their own toiletries. She allows my grandson to run wild all over the place, there are juice stains and fingerprints everywhere and my carpet is ruined. Then to make matters worse, she uses my detergent and cleaning supplies. I work full-time and I am stressed because they’re ruining my place. How do I handle this?
Stressed Grandma
Glen Burney, MD
Dear Grandma:
Your grandson and your daughter both need discipline. You have to realize the toddler is going to be a handful and he’ll be into everything on a regular basis. This is no excuse because your daughter should be teaching him a few things. He’s at a curious stage but he can use a few taps on those little hands when they wander. Put your foot down to your daughter that she needs to take care of her child and stop being a freeloader or she’s out and keep it moving.
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Dear Deanna!
I was at the movies and saw my friend’s fiancée with another man. I understand that people have trust and free reign in their relationships but this wasn’t normal. She was holding his hand and acting as if they were in love. I’ve been asked to be the best man in their wedding and now I’m stuck in this situation. I don’t know if I should tell him she may be cheating or should I mind my business and bow out of the wedding. What should I do?
Ex Best Man
Paoli, PA
Dear Best Man:
You should go ahead and spill the beans so that you and others can possibly save some money. If you spend money on attire for the wedding and the bride is already cheating, they’ll be headed for divorce soon. With true friendship comes loyalty and you should do what a woman would do. Call your friend or take him to lunch and tell him what you saw. Your conscience will be clear and he has the opportunity to make a decision and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My friends are out of control. I’m afraid to be with them because they are getting bad reputations. We were at a house party and they had sex with a group of guys. The next day gossip was so bad in our town that our families we’re fighting because of rumors. I didn’t do anything at the party but now that my name is out there, I cut the friends loose. They’re mad at me and call me a traitor. How do I handle this because they’re my friends and I miss them?
Anonymous
Tampa, FL
Dear Anonymous:
The decision you make depends on what you want in life. If you want to be viewed as having loose morals, no class and a bad reputation, your current friends can make that happen. Your friends and lifestyle are a direct reflection of your character which will affect your employment and all of your relationships. If you want a good life with decency and respect keep the current friends at arms length, find some new ones and call it a day.
Dear Deanna!
I’m a newlywed and I feel depressed now that I’m finally married. It seems as if the excitement is gone and my husband is different than when he was a boyfriend. He always tells me that he gave me what I wanted and to move on to something else. The dates, gifts and spontaneous things have disappeared and it feels like I got a lot of work in return. Is this normal for a new bride or am I setting my expectations too high?
Sad New Bride
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear New Bride:
You wanted to be married when you wanted to be married and your boyfriend went along with your demands to make you happy. Instead of pressuring him, you should’ve let things flow and allowed him to get comfortable with the idea before taking the leap. You can renew the spark in your relationship by taking the lead with creativity, a lot of love and focus on goals and the future. Keep your husband involved and you’ll see him coming around slowly but surely.
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com or at 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com.
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